Your destiny is calling you.

This is the confession of a healer, a therapist, a writer, and a fellow human.

I often spend my days pondering what I should do, which path I should take. Being human presented so many options in how to be, and who to become. And I am an adventurous, spontaneous soul, who got visited by all these ideas, dreams, paths that I could take, roles that I could try. The possibilities are endless.

Being stubborn has its benefit, and its constraints. I have achieved a lot of my goals because I was/am stubborn. Ever since I was a kid, people would tell me what I can or can’t achieve because of this or that. And, I honestly didn’t care. The limitation of their mind, and the sense of fear in their relating to life never applies to me. I am who I am. And I won’t sway even a bit for things that I am passionate about.

But this attitude of stubbornness isn’t as helpful when I am operating in denial, in fear, or in dread. Those times when I pretend that I did not hear the call from my destiny. I ignored the signs, denied the calls, and was somehow able to find a thousand other things to obsess with. Getting more and more entangled with the vines in the labyrinth, I struggle with getting out of being stuck. 

And how did I get my self stuck in the first place? It was simple, it was my refusal to listen to my soul, my heart. We each have a role to play, a mission we are here to do. As we grow, our journey might evolve and take on different forms. But what matters is always in the present, in this moment. What makes your heart sing? What breaks your heart open? What gives you that sweet feeling of heart ache accompanies by tears of love? When do you feel the passion that is undeniable and everlasting?

Your destiny is calling you. Listen to your inner voice, your feeling, your heart. Your soul is longing to speak to you, and direct you towards your path, to your destiny. 

And each and everyone of us, has a destiny. We just have to let go of the control, and listen.  

May you live each day with love and joy. May your heart be touched by life’s miraculous moments.

Much love and light.

 

On Radical Self Love

I am learning to love myself, all over again.

Having some space to myself for the past week has given me new perspectives on how to love myself. To love myself means to make space for what’s nourishing for my soul and my body. To eat heathy, get rest when I need to, make space for meditation and contemplations, and to review what’s the most important in my life.

Oftentimes we are operating in an autopilot. Chasing after our tails like a silly doggie, getting stuck in endless drama that doesn’t really mean anything in the end. It is important, and essential to make time to pause in between breath. For hidden within the daily mundane moments are divine messages, but we have to be quiet in order to listen. To become aware of our emotions; our anger, jealousy, irritation, greed, and/or feeling of competitiveness. And it is important to love ourselves even when we are experiencing these darker emotions. For we are spirit having a human experience, and being human is about embracing and mastering the dance between the light and the dark realm.

But yes, I am re-learning this art of self love. And I have to admit that this is very healing and beautiful. For self love calls for radical acceptance. And I love and adore myself just as I am. This love is unwavering and everlasting, and it doesn’t matter what other people or the society think. It doesn’t matter whether I succeed or fail in a task. I love myself regardless, and am committed to taking the best care of me. 

And you? How are relating to yourself? 

The Sacredness in Impermanence – love, life & relationships

It is interesting how life unfolds some time. We just never know what will happen in the next second, the next moment. We can never predict who will stay, and who will spiral away. 

The apparently random circumstances bring people together, forming little communities, or soul tribes – for a more sacred term. When we were younger, we are usually surrounded by our birth families, or whoever raised us when we were children.  Or perhaps we grew up in spiritual communities, where we were connected to each other, in the shared love and faith of the beyond. And as we got a little older, we somehow gathered with our special groups, in the purpose of learning life’s lessons. These special groups were brought together as we happened to go to the same school, or work at the same place.

Perhaps I am romanticizing, but I like to think of these groups of special people as little soul families. As if there was a hidden soul contract we have agreed upon, to serve as a certain role in each other’s life. As if we were caught by the web of fate and casted away in the succulent garden, playing out the game of life. 

Human beings are funny,  we just take ourselves so seriously some times. In the meetings and mingling with others, we could experience some very extreme emotions and feelings. Love, hate, jealousy, irritation, frustration, admiration, thoughts such as “I can’t believe you did this.” , or feelings such as “I just can’t deal with you anymore.” All the feels from love and adoration, to hate and disgust. It is in relationships that we feel the full range of human emotions. 

It is in relating to each other that we grow, as we get to know ourselves better in each other’s presence. We support and cheer on each other as we face challenges and become our better self. We goof around, laugh and have a good time. We create memories and take pictures that remind ourselves of the special connection we shared.

 Was it really coincidence that we happened to meet each other, and become schoolmates, friends, colleagues, or families? I don’t think so. These connections in life are just too special and specific, in my opinion. And in the ebb and flow of life, even the most special connections goes through the cycle of converging and diverging. I have come to realize that, it is okay to ride though the waves of life – the many endings and beginnings. For it is the law of the universe , where change is the constant. And I trust that if we are meant to meet again, we will. For our soul will be attracted to each other, and our sacred connections will take form.

In life, or in dreams.

 

“To see a World in a Grain of Sand

And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,

Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand

And Eternity in an hour.”  – William Blake

 

 

The Dharma Wheel -poem & reflection

The Dharma Wheel

 

In the heart of longing

In this life of being

What is really important?

In the darkest of hours

I prayed to God

God, grant me your mercy

Please, show me if this is the path

_

And here comes

The Dharma Wheel

Golden, magnificent

Spinning in my dream

_

As if holding by a spirit

The wheel keeps turning

_

Tears flow down my cheek

As I receive this gift

Stepping into uncertainties

It still feels scary

_

Yet I realize

This is but another turn around the wheel

There is nothing to worry about

_

Spinning through the dark forest

Takes me on a wild ride

To the past

Through the future

Allow me to embrace each moment

of pain and ignorance

_

Wheeling to the unknown

To the mystery

A life fulfilled with love and rain.

  • Poem written By Christy Choy, MA. MFT  in 2017

In the winter of 2017, I made a decision to leave my stable, well-paid job at UCSF. It was a risky decision, and a difficult one. For even though the work with the severely mentally ill, psychotic population was very challenging and draining, it was my life’s work for over seven years. It was, and still is, my passion. Ever since I graduated from college with my psychology degree, I’ve always worked in the field of community mental health, serving the severely mentally ill, psychotic population. I loved the early years of crisis work at Progress Foundation. I felt strangely at home among clients who are suffering from mental illness, heartbreaks, terminal illness, who are often using substances to numb their pain. And I often felt a sense of comradery with my colleagues as we managed to pull through days after days of the gruelling 12 hour shift, supporting the healing and recovery of clients who endured deep suffering, and managing the crisis situations which always manage to spike up our adrenaline and connect us deeper in a human, soul level. 

Yet, change is inherent in the process of growth. And though I left and came back to the field of community mental health, I knew that it was time for a change, again. It was scary. Being employed by an agency such as UCSF gives me a sense of safety, a feeling of security. It was as if my being was enveloped by this huge saturnian energy that is indestructible. All I needed to do was to swim in this field of muddy water in my day to day life, and survive. Even though the work was challenging and at times, dangerous; I was also safe, in terms of earthly, financial concerns. But I knew, I wasn’t thriving. 

Over the years, as I grew in my work and studies, and practice in spirituality, my senses had become more and more refined. Or perhaps, I have finally woken up and come to terms with the nature of my sensitivity. The constant bombardment of chaotic energy, without my having any control of, was too much for my soul. Even though my work was relatively well paid, I spent all my resources and time off recovering from the intensity of the work. My body spoke to me in various symptoms, getting sick often, having allergic skin reaction/eczema, stomachache. These are all signs of stress and overwhelm which I could not ignore any more. At that time, I was also deep in the studies of Archetypal Psychology while working full time. And I finally realized, and decided, that I needed a change. What I’ve been doing, for years, was an unconscious pattern stemming from childhood, family conditioning. As a child, I have had to overextend myself to care for others’ need to the point of exhaustion, often putting myself last or even neglecting my own needs. I was constantly swinging from high to low, from full of joy and energy to feeling depleted.  Its time to wake up, its time for a change.

So, I finally decided to leave the job. And I wrote the resignation letter. The night before I resign, before sleep, I prayed to God, ” God, please please let me know if this is the right decision, please let me know if this is the right thing to do.” I was terrified. Change is scary. And I felt I was walking on a suspended bridge, about to step forward mid-air, anticipating a free fall. That night, or, to be more precise, the next morning before dawn, I received a sign. I was in the dream state, just before waking up, when I suddenly saw a golden dharma wheel appeared from the left side right above my head. The magnificent, golden dharma wheel was turning, slowly but powerfully; as if it was held by some unseen being. I woke up in tears, my heart expanded and grateful. I realized that this job that I was so afraid to leave, was but a small part of my life’s work. And the dharma wheel will keep turning, as change is inherent in every moment of our life. It is safe to follow the soul’s calling, it is okay to take care of one self and leave a work environment that is too harsh for my sensitivity.

All is well, and life is sacred. 

 

 

 

 

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