When I was a kid, creative ideas, images, words just flow though me. Freely on the wall of our apartment, in the essay that I wrote, and through the manifestation of my songs , dance, and play. The joy and freedom I experienced was delicious. And life, despite all the outside circumstances of the environment, was truly magical.
It was a lovely, wonderful time. Before I began to internalize all the judgments from others. The judgments I hear from parents, older siblings, teachers, and the world at large. “No, you can’t do that. “, “Stop drawing on the wall.” , or the despised look I saw on teachers’ faces when they looked at the art I created. The not-so-good grades of my drawings. And the little heart sinking moments when my 6-year-old self realized that my drawings are not good enough for the teachers, that they never chose mine to post on the wall in the classroom.
All these little stings adds up. And I was a very sensitive child. It hurts to feel that the world disapprove of me, of my creativity. For this creative sparks was my soul speaking. It was soul language, raw and intimate. Gradually I learnt to hide this side of myself from others, I only sing and dance when no one was around. I stopped drawing, for many years. I just thought that I was not artistic at all. All these nay saying, disapproved looks, and spoken or unspoken judgment from others. I have internalized them. And this is perhaps the monsters I face every time I wanted to write.
Whether it is an academic paper for school, or the writing projects that I have in my mind. I feel this inner resistance when approaching the task. More so for academic papers, because I know for sure that my writing will be judged. These resistance feelings are hard to describe. But I could feel my own body dragging. It was a real inertia I feel. My own being hesitated. As if my heart is saying, is it really safe to put myself out there again?
I wish to share with the world, with the professors that the words coming from my soul are sacred. And they needed to be treated with gentleness. Constructive feedbacks are, of course, welcome. But I could feel you, when you are judging me. For not being good enough, for my grammar mistakes.
It’s true. My writing tends to not follow perfect grammar. I can’t help it. As when I write I am integrating lots of energies, feelings, and thoughts in my fingertips. And they just come out the way that they do. Perhaps this is why there’s a profession called the editors?
How I long for a safe space where I can just dance, move, and let my soul speak freely. For I know that she has a lot to say. And there’s endless treasure in the realm of imagination.
After years of feeling this hurt and being minimized. Because I was somehow not good enough in some people’s eyes. Or perhaps they think it is their right, or nature to judge anyone that’s different that them. I finally realize that it is completely fine. The way that I write, freely from my heart, from my soul. I don’t have to be everything, for everybody. I just have to be me.
Today I want to tell my self, my soul, my heart that it is okay to write, to draw, to dance, to feel. To express what I wanted to express. To share whatever I wanted to share. I want to let my inner child know that she is, and has always been good enough. That it is safe to be, and I will protect her. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, and energetically.
And I wish for a world more gentle. When we hear others’ ideas, read others’ words, witnessed others’ play. Whether they are children or adults, whether or not we understand their work. I wish that we can all be more gentle with our words, our reactions, our facial expressions, and the energy we give out. I wish that we can remember that creativity is a vulnerable process, and needed to be treated with care and respect. And I wish that when we do have to give feedback, we choose our words kindly.
The world evolves through creativity. It is because of someone’s imagination that I can type on my laptop and share my thoughts on this website, with anyone who has access to the internet. Perhaps if we can all be more gentle and loving towards each other, and appreciate all our uniqueness in manifestations. We can evolve together, towards love. Where more and more souls can feel safe enough to express themselves through the platform they so choose.